I am attending the Inland NW Writer’s Conference next month in Spokane, Wa. I am both excited and feeling psychotic at the same time. At this conference, I will be the sponge sitting in the third row, soaking in everything I can to learn about the Christian writing business. I will also be pitching a women’s Bible study that I wrote to an agent.
I spent some well needed time with the Lord this morning and the following is a collaborative effort of how I am feeling, what I am going through in my life, and what I wrote in my journal this morning.
God speaks through His Word and one thing He has told me over and over again about my Bible study is found in Isa 66:9, “Shall I bring to the point of birth, and not give delivery? says the Lord.”
Yes, that is exactly where I am at today. I feel like I have been in labor for the last several years. There were some pains with writing and now, the contractions have gotten worse since I started working a job two years ago that has turned out to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m a shipper/ receiver for a manufacturing company. I’ve had to buck it up and do a lot of hard things that this girl thought she could never do. I’ve climbed mountains on forklifts, two ton trucks, conquered a warehouse and have learned to stand my ground with a boss that is intimidating and expects perfection.
Then, I was injured a little over a year ago. I was not able to use my right arm for months. My job changed to doing inspection. I sat at a desk for ten hours a day, a half hour lunch, picking up a part, inspecting it and then putting it on the belt. Then picking up another part, inspecting it and putting it on the belt. Did I mention that I did this for ten hours a day, with my left hand, and I am right handed. Yes, I admit it. I would like your sympathy.
For a time it was like psychological abuse. My mind couldn’t take it anymore so I started playing with a ball in my right hand and eventually got used to it. There were days I could conquer the monotony. There were days I wanted to cry. I tried to comfort myself by saying that people in third world countries would love to have my job. Then I was humbled to think how much we in America complain so much about our sorry lifestyle.
Then I was back to feeling crazy and crying out to God, “Why am I still here?” I want to change the world through my writing and I find I have little time to write and a whole lot of time to think about the fact that I am not writing.
Today, I am back to part-time receiving and part-time inspection. I am in labor pains, literally. When you have a dream that feels out of reach and then opportunities feel like meat on a stick, you swear you can see it move every time you follow it and it will always remain ten yards in front of you.
In the meantime, just in case you might spend the rest of your life this way, you try to prepare yourself for it. Then you loath your life. Then you try to muster of the faith to believe that God has better plans for you and all you need to do it wait for it.
Labor is excruciating and intolerable. I know, I’ve had three kids the natural way. All you can do is hold on for dear life. You want to take charge of it but you can’t. You want to reach out to anything to make it better. Satan knows this and proceeds to make the idols in your life more tempting. Instead, you toughen up and try to consciously breathe God’s way. You try clutching the hand of God. You yell at Him a few times and want to blame Him. Then the moments where you keep your head on straight starts to grow, and you begin to blossom with something that is building strength in you.
It is then that I can see the hand of God preparing me. He must have big plans for me because this has been a radical ride and intense crash course that has changed me, re-shaped me and toughened me up. It can’t be just for nothing. He’s too great of a God for that.
It’s just that, why does labor have to last so long? Going through it is hard, but I know a billion women or so who could testify to the fact
that, “if you can get through labor, you can get through anything.”
Lord, prepare me for next month. If it isn’t my time yet, help me to accept it. If it is, help me not to panic. Either way, I cannot do this without you. Sometimes I’m struggling with listening to you. So please by all means take my hand, slap my face, wake me up and take charge of all my weakness.
In the end I only want to be your girl and go with your plan. I love you Lord Jesus and thank you for all the trials you have put me through and the things you have taught me. – In Your precious Name, Amen.
What are you going through that is keeping your dreams on hold? How are you feeling about your life right now?